simple things

sing until your lungs are exhausted

dance until your feet can't move

paint until your body is covered

in a mess of color and sticky hues

jump from the tree

land in the leaves

take your blanket to the middle of the field

hide in the high grass until...

someone yells for you

watch the clouds

smell the breeze

feel the warmth of the sun on your cheeks

watch the bugs

run home... wherever that maybe

talk to your pet squirrel

can you make a "believe"

bring your world to reality

bring your world back to the little things

enjoy your reality

i love you-khristen

maybe

you sit there in your empty space

thinking

you pace the absence of everyone

wondering

you roll over in your lonliness

weeping

you stand in your fear

hoping

maybe you'll decide to write or read

maybe you'll decide you want to breathe air that's free

maybe you'll decide you want to be apart of society

maybe you'll decide to do something...

something more than just surviving

love-khristen

DIFFERENT YOU/ DIFFERENT ME

When do we walk as

"different"

people

People who are stronger

than fear

People who love

violently

I want to be

violently patient

violently kind

violently gentle

violently selfcontrolled

when do we love

without fail

Think of others

before ourselves

make choices that are best

for everyone

instead of

"me and i"

make choices full of

wisdom

faith

and

confidence

instead of continually

reacting in fear

walk out our lives

knowing that the

peace that resides

in "us" is

OUR CHOICE

to take on

and

OUR CHOICE

to protect

Selfish ambitions

are for the

ignorant,

the corrupt,

and

the destructive

people

who are determined

to rot

in

"their way"

to

crush themselves

beneath

"their"

will.

We, brothers and sisters,

walk humbly

knowing

we

"know"

NOTHING

but that which

our Father

has put before us.

We can not

allow people

who are determined

to walk in their way

change

who we are-

how we walk-

how we think-

how we respond.

LOVE is the unfailing response.

Whether it be

tough love,

fierce love,

violent love,

screaming love,

or whispering love.

We must choose for love to be our intent.

We must choose our intent on purpose.

(no more NOT KNOWING why we do things)

If we are seeking for purpose then we must act on purpose.

Strategically walking our lives out to be

"unique"

to be

true,

loving,

"different"

people.

-khristen

STILL

still lacking
still striving

still waiting

still surviving

still smiling...

still riding the wave

still pushing the pace

still reaching for grace

still wanting to be brave

still laughing...

still working

still living

still walking

still believing

still dancing...

still fighting

still crying

still praying

still climbing

still singing...

still screaming

still yelling

still kicking

still punching

still frolicing...

still falling

still bleeding

still moving

still growing

still loving

-khristen

deep and dirty

roots

deep roots

deep insecurity

non-security

feelings/emotions of a/an ____________ being

INTENSE EMOTION

INTENSE FEELING

hurt enveloped (in) pushed down until rooted

NO PLACE to go

takes it's residues of pain and pursues

other ways to

RELEASE this- self hate- hurt of a PAST DAY

hurt of a negligence

stupidity filling these bones

cowardness overtakes all knowing

childishness manipulated to the highest extent

leaving stains of scorn and resentment

set into the soul

leaving this man completely unwhole

not knowing how to restore

turning to all sorts of SUBSTITUTES for TRUE DESIRE

every time complicating his "unwhole" attire

consumed with thoughts that feed his need

of feeling somthing other than him being empty

UNTRUTH is the light that dims

hiding reality of what really sleeps in him

longing to be awakened and dealt with.

(restructure this heart of mine. re-equip this mind's eye. allow me to see truth in my life. to know life as YOU designed.)

innocence stained with mistrusted acceptance

eyes of attraction/ admiration mistaken for definition

mistaken for emotional recognition/ mislead admiration

CHAOS filling all voids

security now believes

what is consistently being perceived

stained perceptions won't wash away

stained perceptions promise to stay

leaving NOTHING truly new

forever feeling used...

(dry rotten-ness)-

BROKEN TRUST

broken desire

broken relation

depleted introvert

back in to your own seeing

redesigned all your thinking

all that i observe is seen through broken eyes

responding with a broken smile

broken confidence changes my mind

every time- challenging my dreams

challenging my pride

challenging my strength and my design...

forgiveness brings life

forgiveness changes the mind

forgiveness transforms this preception

forgiveness brings forth this beautiful redemption place

awakening desire for life

for challenge

to be more than just ALIVE.

To STRIVE to CONQUER to FIGHT.

-khristen

after you

Freedom has torn her dress...

Liberty has broken her crown... in pursuit of you.

Healing bruises her knuckles to keep you.

Peace has bloodied her feet.

Strength has been cut in battle.

Courage has muddied his armor.

Determination has ruined his eyes straining to keep purpose in sight.

Purpose has stood starving continuing to hold up her light.

Life has been sickened following in circles for so long.

Wisdom's throat is scarred.

Patience's hearing is shot.

Kindness has been dressed in weakness.

Truth's face beatened

Love's army continues...

-khristen

long suffering

...having a package in your possession for almost a whole week that is "time sensitive" and can not be opened until Saturday at noon...   (it's worth the wait therefore i'm going to bed)-khristen

Complete inspiration for entry: Bunk Price

his-guh

to love me as you do

and me barely know you

to sacrifice as you did

knowing i would sin

to pursue me in your way

as i steadily "ran away"

to keep me as you do

and me barely acknowledge you

to stand so strong and true

and unconditionally always be you

to look at me with grace

knowing the shamed expression that lived on my face

i love you

to tangibly express your love for me

in the form of simplicity

the form of one touch

one hug

that moment may feel like an infinity of graces wrapping me up

healing every crack, scrap, and smallest cut

like ointment to my festered pain

calming my rage

redeeming my name

one hug-one love

-khristen

lovelegacy

break up this life, solid and strong

defenses so high, protecting the lost-parts of me

broken pieces, not found so-easily

puzzle showing it's face

astonished at the outcome and place

ready to reach into the deepest deep

jumping off with both feet

empowered to leap, soar, and dive

plunging in waters that awaken and revive

the source that flows so freely through

quenching the parched and springing life anew 

as far as these waters reach

flush green past what is seen

farther still past all you've known was meant to be

this production rare and undiluted...

elements of pure immutable qualities

timeless attributes that keep

past temporaries of shallow legacies

cultivating more than materialistic securities

developing a culture for eternity

reaching the core of our families

shaking the grounds of truths and liberties

producing richness that sets us free

sharing freedom that gives eyes to see

revolutionary giving that creates simplicity

creating a love legacy. 

-khristen

bounce

desire burn bright

bounce right out my eyes 

gleam so loud 

passion travels the speed of light

how does that sound?

the sound of time...

Patience holds that sound in hand

while watching your light take it's stand...

where passion is birthed and starts it's race

pushing the bounce and setting the pace

Patience connects both pace and speed

balancing desire and priority

allowing the Source to direct each step

hitting each mark completely, purely, and purposely. 

  Lord, keep me-khristen

simple joy

compliment the morning 

before your feet touch the ground

wait on the coffee...

finish singing your song

before you turn off the shower

stop and smell the flowers...

let the wax run over

before you blow out the candle

make believe with the clouds...

go ahead and eat your taco bell

before you put up the fine china

dance with your kid in the kitchen...

clean the mirror

before covering blemishes that don't exist

bask in the sun ...

turn on the light

before looking for matching socks

try m&m's in your popcorn...

genuinely smile

before you greet an enemy

walk bare foot in the grass...

pause

before you speak

take 10 minutes to just dream...

wash hands

before you shake

finger paint a wall...

talk to God

before you sleep

thank your Daddy for simplicity...

-khristen 

 

3am/running in my dreams

remnants of old self that resinate through

this process of redemption and making me new

chasing me in my dream tonight

stricken with terror with fight or flight

fear of words unspoken

who i've been is still a part of me

something i can't release

envelope this heart of mine

heal these things not in sight

how strong is your love

i need to know

a love that dismantles sin

a love that covers what's within...

forgiveness sounds sweet

spoken over me

i need you to consume me

burn up these remnants that linger

bring peace to this soul that fears rejection

... can i just spell it out for the world to see

pearls to swine

filth that judges me

you are beautiful dear one

please pardon my actions against you

against myself

sweet spirit conquer my dream

you are the maker of my eternity

the planner of my healing

the transformer of my realities

thank you for being with me

i do not dare to walk alone

i'll trust you with all of me

Daddy, can I hide behind your mercy?-khristen

from you to you

i look to you and walk

i won't stop

steady is this pace 

we may slow down.. speed up.. even "trip" up..

the pace will continue steady and sure

like the beats of blood that run through me

is this pace that awakens me in the morning

ready to walk to you.. run if necessary

to you this pace is set

the pace that carries these processes 

that lead 

to you/destination

your will is my desire more than the morning

This life has set me apart

Decisions have drawn out my course

Left me standing by your side

Left no place for doubt in my mind

Standing in this sanctity the clarity is amazing

Overtaken by your goodness and your gift

Your attention to detail

... details of my desire...

desire you no doubt put in me.. 

fashioned to me... 

now you set before me.. beautiful you.

Thank you for your attention.

thank you for loving me so.

you love me through you

you love me with you

thank you 

-khristen

forreal

It's so hard to let go of you

I just want to walk you through

everything that comes towards you

more so i want to empower you

Teach you love, life, and truth

Show you patience in practice

Love you in every sense of the action

walk next to me if you want 

hold my hand as long as you want

kiss my face until you won't ... anymore

Why does growing up feel like growing apart??

i'm gonna still laugh at you, tickle you, hold you down and kiss you.

I don't really care how big you think you are or who else is there! 

There is still too much to share.

Too little time to NOT care.

-i for real love you . . . -mom

staytruetoyou (ch. 9)

This is from a chapter in my book... It came up in me today and felt like i should share it... it's a whole lot to read and directed towards girls BUT... i think guys can relate as well... so hope you all enjoy!! 

This chapter is about ... STAYING TRUE TO YOU :)

When you kissed someone for the very first time… You didn’t just give that person a kiss you gave that person something much more special.  You gave them a “first experience.”  Which means maybe you gave them some trust, some emotion, some hope, some innocence, and some time.  You gave this because you felt this person was “worth” spending a part of your self on.  You felt this person somehow was worth having your first experience with.  Do remember how you felt the first time you were rejected by that person or you found out that person wasn’t who you thought they were.  Do remember how disappointed you were to think that you gave him something that he really didn’t deserve.  This is a small example of what happens when you give your self sexually to a boy for the first time.  Some girls wait until they are married so that to make sure that this guy has completely proven that he is who he says he is.  That he will do what he says he will do and he feels for you as he says he feels.  When you are young (11, 12, 13-)  those “first experiences”  are unforgettable.  If they were bad experiences then sometimes it leaves an impression on us for years before we can trust someone again truly.  A lot of times in this situation we become very numb and don’t care anymore and just do whatever because we have felt that everything that was special… we already gave away.  Maybe you feel as if your “first experiences” were good. Do you remember after those experiences played out how you felt afterwards?  Do you remember the empty feeling that crawled up in you when you tried to go to bed that night by yourself?  Do you remember thinking how your mind and your heart raced as you played it all over and over in your mind.  Trying to hold on to each little moment and make it as wonderful and special as possible.  Sweet friend, this is how it goes.  You didn’t just give that boy sex.  You gave him something much more special.  You gave him your innocence, your complete trust.  You put your entire life in his hands for a moment.  Tell me something if I had all the money in the world could I buy your innocence from you?  Could I buy your complete trust?  What about your life?  Would you sell me your life?  Do you see?  People sell sex every day, but no amount of money in the world is worth your life.  If you can’t live your life then what good would money do you?  My question to you today is :  What is so special about this boy that he is worth your life?  Do you believe that this person has shown you that you can trust him with your life?   We aren’t talking about your child’s life we are just talking about yours.  I know that your deeds are done at this point.  But the thing is if you don’t realize your worth it’s going to be very hard for you to make decisions in clarity.  Just because your whole life will be different now doesn’t mean that there is not hope for your destiny.  I promise you one thing your purpose in life has never and will never be to give another human being every part of you and full rights to you.  God made you individually which means that you are responsible for making decisions for yourself and now for your child.  You are responsible for the your own well being and now your child’s well being. 

When you have sex with any person something happens.  Even if you are forced to have sex this thing that takes place is undeniable.  When you have sex your spirit inside of you comes alive.  It is as awake as it has ever been.  If this is a bad experience that was forced a lot of times your spirit is crushed and you feel completely tarnished and dead in side.  At best your spirit feels like a Utopia for a moment wanting nothing else but to feel that moment over and over for the rest of your life.  Either way what has happened is that other person has completely experienced the deepest part of you that you could possibly give to another person physically and spiritually.   Sex is the only act in which you can hold and attain so much power with another individual.  Boys were made to protect and be strong.  Many boys want to “display” their strength by having sex with a girl.  This is the height of immaturity and complete carelessness.   If that boy is not man enough to protect you as well as show his strength in self control than he is not a man at all.  Not only is he just another boy showing off, but he has in that moment emasculated himself to you. This is such a vulnerable place for a young man.   A place that few boys ever realize what happened.   Sometimes these boys take responsibility for their actions by becoming a man and learning to discipline themselves and others just find themselves of sick cycles of trying find the greatest challenge to conquer. 

The girl on the other hand will either find her worth again or she will mistakenly try to experience feeling her worth by continuing the act she sold her worth to.  If you have paid someone your worth with sex then sex becomes what makes you feel like you are worth something.  This is why so many girls feel pretty or special when they are having sex but when they are not they feel very alone wanting to feel whole again.  Thinking that at some point this guy will finally do something that will give her back her worth or maybe the next guy will show her worth.  What is so sad is usually when we are in these patterns we feel like the guy who would show us respect and worth we do not deserve.  He is too good for us.  This is such a lie.  God made you special.  We all mess up and make dumb decisions.  We must let God make us whole again. We must allow him to show us what He made us for and who he made us to be.  When we allow him to do this we are allowing Him to re-define to us what we are worth.  We are allowing him to show us why we are so special and why we cost so much.  Why do you think Christianity speaks of the cost Jesus paid on the cross. It speaks of this because he paid everything so that God could make you whole.  You see God doesn’t tell you not to do things just because he is god and he can…  That’s how a drug addict father handles his children not the God of the universe.  God is much more purposeful in his commands.  The reason He tells us not to have sex outside of marriage is to protect us from these things.  He gives us commands to protect us from our own innocence our own foolishness.  He knows how special he made little girls and he knows that he put in them things that no money can buy and no man truly deserves.  What he deserves is not so much the issue but whether or not he knows how to handle special things.  Would you give your soon to be toddler the keys to your car and tell him or her to drive down the road?  No way! That car cost way too much for you to so foolishly let someone who is obviously not able to drive; the opportunity to completely destroy the car and themselves.  That would be a complete act of stupidity not to mention beyond carelessness and much more endangerment of the child that the parent displayed.   This is what you have done when you have sex with a boy (young or old) that has never treated himself much less any other girl with care.  If he hasn’t shown it and if he isn’t showing it please believe me when I say that you my dear cost too much for him to go for a “practice drive” with you.  Your value compared to any material thing is un-comparable.  At this point you can not change the things you have given away or who you gave them to.  There is something you can do though you can choose today to no longer participate in the cycles that leave you cheapened and empty.  Make a choice today that no matter how uncomfortable or lonely you may feel that you are going to give God the opportunity to make you whole and show you your worth again.  One thing I know to be true.  If you do not know what you are worth most other people will not see it either.  If you want a guy that is going to treat you right you need to start acting like you want to be treated right and quit treating yourself so wrong.  You are responsible for who you surround yourself with.  You are responsible for who you allow to affect your life and influence you to do things.  You must start thinking about what type of person you want to become so that you can have the “true” desires of your heart.  These things I am speaking to you of I know are deep and strong, but I pray that you can grasp and hear the words I am saying to you.  You were made with a purpose a destiny.  You were made to do great things.  You were made to feel things like happiness, love, peace, hurt, pain, destruction.  When I say you were made for these things it means you were made to feel these and grow deeper in these things… Either you over come hurt or you grow deeper in it… Either you overcome pain or you grow deeper in it.  It seems so easy to grow deeper in happiness and love and peace, but we need to make sure that those things we are using to grow our “happiness” are not just cheap imitations of what we really want.  Those cheap imitations will trap you every time trying to keep you growing deeper into destruction all the while you are trying to figure out if those moments of happiness or “utopia” are worth the place they are taking you. -khristen (glimpse of chapter 9)

buildingblocks

I'm humbled to see how God loves us.  He is so strong and brave.  He fears nothing.  He is such a wonderful daddy.  I'm learning that God is a daddy that loves us so that He desires to build us into people that are whole walking with Him.  He made the foundations of the Earth and made elements in their purest most whole form.  I believe He desires for us to be daily renewed and ultimately transformed into wholeness and purity.  I think sometimes in our walk we think, I've got this!  I'm doing EVERYTHING right... just the way i know i'm suppose to.. I'm going to church all the time.. i pray every morning.. i'm reading my word.. i'm witnessing.. i'm taking care of my family AND i am set in the calling God has placed on my heart.  Then something happens and our foundations begin to shake!?  This human mind thinks back... oh no... What am i doing wrong.. Why are people responding to me this way?  Why aren't things working out? How did i let things slip through my hands?  What did I miss?  It's like a child building a building out of blocks and they think they have almost completed their master piece when Daddy comes in and says, "Child, time to put up the blocks!!"  Maybe it's time to eat or maybe it's time to learn how to ride a bike. ONLY God knows what time it is ultimately but KNOW that when you don't drop your blocks and come to Him.. Daddy will come in and PUT the BLOCKS up for you!! Especially if you have given Him those rights in your life!! It amazes me that we turn over our rights and then freak out when He uses them.  Remember that He knows what you need to be whole.  Sometimes he has to take away all the things we are good at and called to so that we may be developed in other ways!! To become whole mature men and women of God..  Take joy in trial.. for they bring perseverance  so that you may FINISH your race and that you may become mature not lacking anything!!! I know this is easier said than done and easier read than practiced, but rest assured that though it might feel as if He has picked you up from your blocks and set you in a foreign land ... HE is still your daddy and He knew where you would be THIS day when He gave you your dreams and your promises.  He just wants to develop other sides of us.  This isn't fun and sometimes it hurts our pride so much because we put SO MUCH TIME, EFFORT, AND PRACTICE in building OUR STRUCTURE.  KNOW this day that just like any mature adult can go in and build a tower of building block that looks amazing to any child in little of NO TIME.  He can rebuild any structure you found amazing as well... in NO TIME!  When we have finished our race ... the crown of life is waiting :) -khristen

BRING IT ON!

I am 28 years old and I live in the top of someone's garage with my son who will be 13 in a few weeks.  I don't own a house or drive a nice car.  We wear sale rack clothes  and we wash them at the laundry mat.  We have 3 tvs that we never watch and 2 game systems that we never play.  We do not have an oven or a stove, but our microwave, electric skillet, and grill can cook almost anything we want.  When I was fifteen a handful of people told me that a day would come that I would resent trying to raise my son myself.  They told me that I would not be able to afford to give him all that he needed.  For a moment this week I thought they might be right.  I found myself not being able to afford the "life" my child wants.  So we talked about this "life" that he so desires.  The life of three bedroom homes and 2 parents in a house.  Where kids have puppy dogs that play in the backyard and all their friends come over every weekend to hang out.  A life where name brand clothes are bought more so as accessories not necessity.  Name brands to pacify the desire to "fit in" and "be accepted" instead of buying clothes for quality and stewardship.  A life where kids have every "toy" in the world to babysit and keep them occupied.  The thing is for me to attain these things for myself i would work two jobs and get ahead for a while (hopefully nothing major comes up) and then after a while I could have my house and my dog and backyard and four-wheelers and my SUV to park in my 2 car garage in which I would NOT have a miniature horse living in.  The big question here is though... while i'm working my tail off.... WHO is raising my son????? While others may find it important to obtain these things I am more so worried about knowing my son and he knowing me.  So that I may deposit in him the things he needs to MAKE HIS OWN LIFE!!  So then you tell me.. You just need to get married... A two parent home sounds fantastic, but I will not use some poor soul just for security.  To live or marry with someone that the Lord has not brought to me.  To compromise that is more detrimental than any decision i could possibly make.  Who wants to live in a home where now not only do we still have the SAME problems, but now i have to worry about how to make a grown man happy and how he is spending our money and etc... I will not have my son resent me and some poor soul just because the standard of "living well" has been set in possessions and achievements.  These things will all pass.  They can dry rot in your hand before you ever even get to use them if you aren't careful.  To all those people that told me I would resent him.  For you who told me that I needed to quit doing the things I knew God was calling me to so that I could get a REAL JOB .  I tell you AGAIN, "i am rich in ways you will never understand."  The only resentments that I find creeping into me is when I start to hear YOUR voice speak through MY CHILD.  

-don't forget where he came from.. He was birthed in forgiveness, redemption, sacrifice, obedience, and more so love.  He has grown up in a home with peace, joy, laughter, and CREATIVITY.  He has learned discipline, respect, honor, and  perseverance.  He knows a happiness that lasts longer than a trip to disney world or the list of redbox movies you watch every weekend.  He has always had everything needs and more material possessions than any kid could ever ask for!  More so he was born as MY son there fore  my authority and standards will determine what "living well" means in my home.

PLEASE DO NOT CROSS THIS LINE. 

Please understand I have nothing against 2 parent homes and nice things and i do believe you can raise your kids in a home that has everything and you and your children still be rich.  This is just not an option for me in my life right now, and the attitude that i SHOULD attain the house and car and materialistic crap for sake of my kid being happy is a poverish  mindset.  Poverty and Wealth in my house are not measured in money or possessions, but in character and how much you have inside of you that enRICHES others.  Hence the word RICH.  

-khristen

lovejudgement

"i find it ironic that the very things I long for

from others... are the very things..

He has continually asked me to give to Him."

"i fear that others will treat me as i have treated God...

complete negligence at times it seems."

"test and see what shines through you??????!?"

"sometimes i feel as though i have limited others to love me...

as i have loved HIM... like my love for Him has set the 

mold in my life.. and until i have broken that mold

my heart knows nothing more..." 

" will we miss all our opportunities to show love- 

being caught up in distractions

caught up in ourselves

trying to "do" everything in "our power" 

to become "better" people- 

meanwhile "potential betters" 

never knew you cared

never knew you at all ... "

" sit at a bedside.

visit someone who has lost freedom.

speak to the hopeless. 

no selfish ambitions.

no self-bettering.

just raw-pure-intentions of love. "

-khristen

 

peevishme

remembering peevish me in heartbreak land

wondering if you were really my friend

your voice gentle but seemed so harsh then

reiterated that I was the child and You were the parent

you have always had a way of speaking so clear

especially when i didn't want to hear

God of the universe and even you could not please me

lost in my own need

consumed with my own well being

never realizing You had me

always protecting

You looked past my limited vision

my sight could only see condition

peevish me completely disobedient 

spoiled, ungrateful of Your goodness

willing to settle for expedience

burdened by past moments

peevish me forgetting your richness

joy brands these trials

my wholeness glorifies...

your name

today you remind me of that old day

when my heart and hurts felt the same

you remind me

of the promise you made

today you call me by a new name

DELIGHTED, i am in You

PLEASED to say the least.

your promises are brand new

and my desire is found in You

 

this morning you played me a song

you whispered in my ear

and called me by name

you spoke your written word back to me

this time full circling

showed me your promise

sealing it with your guarantee

you have placed that seal on my heart

i love you .. thank you for your patience

-khristen