forreal

It's so hard to let go of you

I just want to walk you through

everything that comes towards you

more so i want to empower you

Teach you love, life, and truth

Show you patience in practice

Love you in every sense of the action

walk next to me if you want 

hold my hand as long as you want

kiss my face until you won't ... anymore

Why does growing up feel like growing apart??

i'm gonna still laugh at you, tickle you, hold you down and kiss you.

I don't really care how big you think you are or who else is there! 

There is still too much to share.

Too little time to NOT care.

-i for real love you . . . -mom

staytruetoyou (ch. 9)

This is from a chapter in my book... It came up in me today and felt like i should share it... it's a whole lot to read and directed towards girls BUT... i think guys can relate as well... so hope you all enjoy!! 

This chapter is about ... STAYING TRUE TO YOU :)

When you kissed someone for the very first time… You didn’t just give that person a kiss you gave that person something much more special.  You gave them a “first experience.”  Which means maybe you gave them some trust, some emotion, some hope, some innocence, and some time.  You gave this because you felt this person was “worth” spending a part of your self on.  You felt this person somehow was worth having your first experience with.  Do remember how you felt the first time you were rejected by that person or you found out that person wasn’t who you thought they were.  Do remember how disappointed you were to think that you gave him something that he really didn’t deserve.  This is a small example of what happens when you give your self sexually to a boy for the first time.  Some girls wait until they are married so that to make sure that this guy has completely proven that he is who he says he is.  That he will do what he says he will do and he feels for you as he says he feels.  When you are young (11, 12, 13-)  those “first experiences”  are unforgettable.  If they were bad experiences then sometimes it leaves an impression on us for years before we can trust someone again truly.  A lot of times in this situation we become very numb and don’t care anymore and just do whatever because we have felt that everything that was special… we already gave away.  Maybe you feel as if your “first experiences” were good. Do you remember after those experiences played out how you felt afterwards?  Do you remember the empty feeling that crawled up in you when you tried to go to bed that night by yourself?  Do you remember thinking how your mind and your heart raced as you played it all over and over in your mind.  Trying to hold on to each little moment and make it as wonderful and special as possible.  Sweet friend, this is how it goes.  You didn’t just give that boy sex.  You gave him something much more special.  You gave him your innocence, your complete trust.  You put your entire life in his hands for a moment.  Tell me something if I had all the money in the world could I buy your innocence from you?  Could I buy your complete trust?  What about your life?  Would you sell me your life?  Do you see?  People sell sex every day, but no amount of money in the world is worth your life.  If you can’t live your life then what good would money do you?  My question to you today is :  What is so special about this boy that he is worth your life?  Do you believe that this person has shown you that you can trust him with your life?   We aren’t talking about your child’s life we are just talking about yours.  I know that your deeds are done at this point.  But the thing is if you don’t realize your worth it’s going to be very hard for you to make decisions in clarity.  Just because your whole life will be different now doesn’t mean that there is not hope for your destiny.  I promise you one thing your purpose in life has never and will never be to give another human being every part of you and full rights to you.  God made you individually which means that you are responsible for making decisions for yourself and now for your child.  You are responsible for the your own well being and now your child’s well being. 

When you have sex with any person something happens.  Even if you are forced to have sex this thing that takes place is undeniable.  When you have sex your spirit inside of you comes alive.  It is as awake as it has ever been.  If this is a bad experience that was forced a lot of times your spirit is crushed and you feel completely tarnished and dead in side.  At best your spirit feels like a Utopia for a moment wanting nothing else but to feel that moment over and over for the rest of your life.  Either way what has happened is that other person has completely experienced the deepest part of you that you could possibly give to another person physically and spiritually.   Sex is the only act in which you can hold and attain so much power with another individual.  Boys were made to protect and be strong.  Many boys want to “display” their strength by having sex with a girl.  This is the height of immaturity and complete carelessness.   If that boy is not man enough to protect you as well as show his strength in self control than he is not a man at all.  Not only is he just another boy showing off, but he has in that moment emasculated himself to you. This is such a vulnerable place for a young man.   A place that few boys ever realize what happened.   Sometimes these boys take responsibility for their actions by becoming a man and learning to discipline themselves and others just find themselves of sick cycles of trying find the greatest challenge to conquer. 

The girl on the other hand will either find her worth again or she will mistakenly try to experience feeling her worth by continuing the act she sold her worth to.  If you have paid someone your worth with sex then sex becomes what makes you feel like you are worth something.  This is why so many girls feel pretty or special when they are having sex but when they are not they feel very alone wanting to feel whole again.  Thinking that at some point this guy will finally do something that will give her back her worth or maybe the next guy will show her worth.  What is so sad is usually when we are in these patterns we feel like the guy who would show us respect and worth we do not deserve.  He is too good for us.  This is such a lie.  God made you special.  We all mess up and make dumb decisions.  We must let God make us whole again. We must allow him to show us what He made us for and who he made us to be.  When we allow him to do this we are allowing Him to re-define to us what we are worth.  We are allowing him to show us why we are so special and why we cost so much.  Why do you think Christianity speaks of the cost Jesus paid on the cross. It speaks of this because he paid everything so that God could make you whole.  You see God doesn’t tell you not to do things just because he is god and he can…  That’s how a drug addict father handles his children not the God of the universe.  God is much more purposeful in his commands.  The reason He tells us not to have sex outside of marriage is to protect us from these things.  He gives us commands to protect us from our own innocence our own foolishness.  He knows how special he made little girls and he knows that he put in them things that no money can buy and no man truly deserves.  What he deserves is not so much the issue but whether or not he knows how to handle special things.  Would you give your soon to be toddler the keys to your car and tell him or her to drive down the road?  No way! That car cost way too much for you to so foolishly let someone who is obviously not able to drive; the opportunity to completely destroy the car and themselves.  That would be a complete act of stupidity not to mention beyond carelessness and much more endangerment of the child that the parent displayed.   This is what you have done when you have sex with a boy (young or old) that has never treated himself much less any other girl with care.  If he hasn’t shown it and if he isn’t showing it please believe me when I say that you my dear cost too much for him to go for a “practice drive” with you.  Your value compared to any material thing is un-comparable.  At this point you can not change the things you have given away or who you gave them to.  There is something you can do though you can choose today to no longer participate in the cycles that leave you cheapened and empty.  Make a choice today that no matter how uncomfortable or lonely you may feel that you are going to give God the opportunity to make you whole and show you your worth again.  One thing I know to be true.  If you do not know what you are worth most other people will not see it either.  If you want a guy that is going to treat you right you need to start acting like you want to be treated right and quit treating yourself so wrong.  You are responsible for who you surround yourself with.  You are responsible for who you allow to affect your life and influence you to do things.  You must start thinking about what type of person you want to become so that you can have the “true” desires of your heart.  These things I am speaking to you of I know are deep and strong, but I pray that you can grasp and hear the words I am saying to you.  You were made with a purpose a destiny.  You were made to do great things.  You were made to feel things like happiness, love, peace, hurt, pain, destruction.  When I say you were made for these things it means you were made to feel these and grow deeper in these things… Either you over come hurt or you grow deeper in it… Either you overcome pain or you grow deeper in it.  It seems so easy to grow deeper in happiness and love and peace, but we need to make sure that those things we are using to grow our “happiness” are not just cheap imitations of what we really want.  Those cheap imitations will trap you every time trying to keep you growing deeper into destruction all the while you are trying to figure out if those moments of happiness or “utopia” are worth the place they are taking you. -khristen (glimpse of chapter 9)

buildingblocks

I'm humbled to see how God loves us.  He is so strong and brave.  He fears nothing.  He is such a wonderful daddy.  I'm learning that God is a daddy that loves us so that He desires to build us into people that are whole walking with Him.  He made the foundations of the Earth and made elements in their purest most whole form.  I believe He desires for us to be daily renewed and ultimately transformed into wholeness and purity.  I think sometimes in our walk we think, I've got this!  I'm doing EVERYTHING right... just the way i know i'm suppose to.. I'm going to church all the time.. i pray every morning.. i'm reading my word.. i'm witnessing.. i'm taking care of my family AND i am set in the calling God has placed on my heart.  Then something happens and our foundations begin to shake!?  This human mind thinks back... oh no... What am i doing wrong.. Why are people responding to me this way?  Why aren't things working out? How did i let things slip through my hands?  What did I miss?  It's like a child building a building out of blocks and they think they have almost completed their master piece when Daddy comes in and says, "Child, time to put up the blocks!!"  Maybe it's time to eat or maybe it's time to learn how to ride a bike. ONLY God knows what time it is ultimately but KNOW that when you don't drop your blocks and come to Him.. Daddy will come in and PUT the BLOCKS up for you!! Especially if you have given Him those rights in your life!! It amazes me that we turn over our rights and then freak out when He uses them.  Remember that He knows what you need to be whole.  Sometimes he has to take away all the things we are good at and called to so that we may be developed in other ways!! To become whole mature men and women of God..  Take joy in trial.. for they bring perseverance  so that you may FINISH your race and that you may become mature not lacking anything!!! I know this is easier said than done and easier read than practiced, but rest assured that though it might feel as if He has picked you up from your blocks and set you in a foreign land ... HE is still your daddy and He knew where you would be THIS day when He gave you your dreams and your promises.  He just wants to develop other sides of us.  This isn't fun and sometimes it hurts our pride so much because we put SO MUCH TIME, EFFORT, AND PRACTICE in building OUR STRUCTURE.  KNOW this day that just like any mature adult can go in and build a tower of building block that looks amazing to any child in little of NO TIME.  He can rebuild any structure you found amazing as well... in NO TIME!  When we have finished our race ... the crown of life is waiting :) -khristen

BRING IT ON!

I am 28 years old and I live in the top of someone's garage with my son who will be 13 in a few weeks.  I don't own a house or drive a nice car.  We wear sale rack clothes  and we wash them at the laundry mat.  We have 3 tvs that we never watch and 2 game systems that we never play.  We do not have an oven or a stove, but our microwave, electric skillet, and grill can cook almost anything we want.  When I was fifteen a handful of people told me that a day would come that I would resent trying to raise my son myself.  They told me that I would not be able to afford to give him all that he needed.  For a moment this week I thought they might be right.  I found myself not being able to afford the "life" my child wants.  So we talked about this "life" that he so desires.  The life of three bedroom homes and 2 parents in a house.  Where kids have puppy dogs that play in the backyard and all their friends come over every weekend to hang out.  A life where name brand clothes are bought more so as accessories not necessity.  Name brands to pacify the desire to "fit in" and "be accepted" instead of buying clothes for quality and stewardship.  A life where kids have every "toy" in the world to babysit and keep them occupied.  The thing is for me to attain these things for myself i would work two jobs and get ahead for a while (hopefully nothing major comes up) and then after a while I could have my house and my dog and backyard and four-wheelers and my SUV to park in my 2 car garage in which I would NOT have a miniature horse living in.  The big question here is though... while i'm working my tail off.... WHO is raising my son????? While others may find it important to obtain these things I am more so worried about knowing my son and he knowing me.  So that I may deposit in him the things he needs to MAKE HIS OWN LIFE!!  So then you tell me.. You just need to get married... A two parent home sounds fantastic, but I will not use some poor soul just for security.  To live or marry with someone that the Lord has not brought to me.  To compromise that is more detrimental than any decision i could possibly make.  Who wants to live in a home where now not only do we still have the SAME problems, but now i have to worry about how to make a grown man happy and how he is spending our money and etc... I will not have my son resent me and some poor soul just because the standard of "living well" has been set in possessions and achievements.  These things will all pass.  They can dry rot in your hand before you ever even get to use them if you aren't careful.  To all those people that told me I would resent him.  For you who told me that I needed to quit doing the things I knew God was calling me to so that I could get a REAL JOB .  I tell you AGAIN, "i am rich in ways you will never understand."  The only resentments that I find creeping into me is when I start to hear YOUR voice speak through MY CHILD.  

-don't forget where he came from.. He was birthed in forgiveness, redemption, sacrifice, obedience, and more so love.  He has grown up in a home with peace, joy, laughter, and CREATIVITY.  He has learned discipline, respect, honor, and  perseverance.  He knows a happiness that lasts longer than a trip to disney world or the list of redbox movies you watch every weekend.  He has always had everything needs and more material possessions than any kid could ever ask for!  More so he was born as MY son there fore  my authority and standards will determine what "living well" means in my home.

PLEASE DO NOT CROSS THIS LINE. 

Please understand I have nothing against 2 parent homes and nice things and i do believe you can raise your kids in a home that has everything and you and your children still be rich.  This is just not an option for me in my life right now, and the attitude that i SHOULD attain the house and car and materialistic crap for sake of my kid being happy is a poverish  mindset.  Poverty and Wealth in my house are not measured in money or possessions, but in character and how much you have inside of you that enRICHES others.  Hence the word RICH.  

-khristen

lovejudgement

"i find it ironic that the very things I long for

from others... are the very things..

He has continually asked me to give to Him."

"i fear that others will treat me as i have treated God...

complete negligence at times it seems."

"test and see what shines through you??????!?"

"sometimes i feel as though i have limited others to love me...

as i have loved HIM... like my love for Him has set the 

mold in my life.. and until i have broken that mold

my heart knows nothing more..." 

" will we miss all our opportunities to show love- 

being caught up in distractions

caught up in ourselves

trying to "do" everything in "our power" 

to become "better" people- 

meanwhile "potential betters" 

never knew you cared

never knew you at all ... "

" sit at a bedside.

visit someone who has lost freedom.

speak to the hopeless. 

no selfish ambitions.

no self-bettering.

just raw-pure-intentions of love. "

-khristen

 

peevishme

remembering peevish me in heartbreak land

wondering if you were really my friend

your voice gentle but seemed so harsh then

reiterated that I was the child and You were the parent

you have always had a way of speaking so clear

especially when i didn't want to hear

God of the universe and even you could not please me

lost in my own need

consumed with my own well being

never realizing You had me

always protecting

You looked past my limited vision

my sight could only see condition

peevish me completely disobedient 

spoiled, ungrateful of Your goodness

willing to settle for expedience

burdened by past moments

peevish me forgetting your richness

joy brands these trials

my wholeness glorifies...

your name

today you remind me of that old day

when my heart and hurts felt the same

you remind me

of the promise you made

today you call me by a new name

DELIGHTED, i am in You

PLEASED to say the least.

your promises are brand new

and my desire is found in You

 

this morning you played me a song

you whispered in my ear

and called me by name

you spoke your written word back to me

this time full circling

showed me your promise

sealing it with your guarantee

you have placed that seal on my heart

i love you .. thank you for your patience

-khristen

God'sreality

love me with a love that is stronger than sin, worry, or shame

a love that's brave, unconditionally so, a love that loves the hidden me

underneath this shell of a being, the me that only you can truly see

the dirtiest me, the prettiest me, the mes in between

thankyou for teaching us love -khristen

 ^18-20My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

 ^21-24And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him. Again, this is God's command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us.

1John3

agirl

the fornicator that is attracted to Jesus

the girl that couldn't reach Him

the girl who's filthy hands

desire to be cleaned by Him

her past times numb her pain

for a night she feels complete

mornings never come easy

she longs to be rid of all of it

everyone looks on her with disdain

wondering why she hates herself 

plain as day she flaunts her sin

like the woman standing on the rooftop

calling for her lovers to come in

loud and belligerent she screams her offense

falling around barely coherent...

where she lands is where she'll stay

at least for this day.

nights of peace come rare with her

but still they are there

those nights she finds her self daring 

to think... would He have me?

Could He touch me?

Lost is her way.

but something in her she still feels..

a feeling that cannot fade??

even through the pain?

even when she's numb this longing seems to ache...

her soul is attracted to Him.

to Jesus

She is intrigued by His kindness.

She is overwhelmed by His words.

She is humbled that He would look at her 

and spend time sharing himself with her.

She thinks if He knew what all i've done

He would turn and walk away.

He sits with her and talks a while..

She empties out all her pain

She tells of all her lovers

She tells of her junk

To her surprise he continues with her 

later in the night

he sits with her til the sun comes up

and anything and everything was said

embracing this girl.. she thinks to herself

how could He seriously touch me now

i'm so filthy

i'm so hurt

broken, crushed, and ignorant

i'm selfish in my way

i'm lost so lost and cling to the smallest 

hint of security

and He just comes and sits with me?

like it's no thing?

like who i am doesn't offend him?

like he likes me in-spite of my sin??

... i am so attracted to him...

i feel loved by him...

though i do not feel clean my dirt so much more apparent..

but he didn't even seem to notice it.

Though he now knows all of it.

He just kept making me want to look at Him.

I look at Him.

I look at His way.

It makes me want to stay.

Close to Him. 

i'm attracted to him

i'm a fornicator and attracted to Jesus

is that possible??

others may laugh.. i don't care

He sits by me and he doesn't stare..

me down like other men do

their eyes

their hands

do things that emasculate

and I let them cause i hate them

and hate myself as well

but YOU.. You have given me hope

shown me something i've never seen before

a real man

a man that's strong 

and knows real love

a man that protects

and knows how to hold himself

control his will

Jesus can i long for you??

Others will tell me no.

The religious may say it's heresy 

A girl like that can't possibly know

how to "desire" PURELY

so she mustn't desire at all??

They will tell me to clean my hands

before i speak of You.

they will tell me to walk a strait line 

before i run for You.

but Jesus... you spoke to me when still i was dirty

i didn't come seeking You! 

You found me in this place.

How can they expect ANYTHING from me????

I just want You.

Not their laws and expectations..

i just want You

not their obligations...

They can keep their lifestyles

and their reputations

all i know is i'm attracted to You

Jesus i can make no promises

look where i've been

all i can do is tell you

You have touched my heart in this moment

so much so... I want to know you more

can i just know you more???

Jesus i'm a product of my parents

walking in my shame

i try to appear pretty 

to make it go away

i don't know anything else.

so please just stay.

that's all i know.

I'm attracted to You and i want you to stay.

-a girl

makebelieve

make believe

who you want to be

write it out

dare to see

your make believe

become reality

your story be

as you read it

doubt has no page here

worry has no way

simplistic imagination

draws out the path to take

tall, miniature, plump, or raily

all can make believe

your minds eye holds

the gateway key 

to your purposed destiny

 everything you could dream

anything you can see 

let your imagination free 

purity keeps the way healthy to explore wisdom in practice makes reality soar up to your highest imaginable moments laughing/weeping all the way fear has no bed here faith is too prevalent love is the glue ingredient keeping us believing this dreaming up the magnificent this is BRILLIANT! which colors will you choose in your pallet painting the picture of your life which tools fit your hands so that your stroke is just as planned who will be your inspiration when thinkativity has begun what will you look like when this process is done :) BEAUTIFUL you.

-khristen

REMINDER OF THE YEAR

The gift of salvation does not promise the healing of your heart.  The knowledge of who God is does not promise that you will become a whole person.  Acting and doing all the "right" things in love and in the name of Jesus does NOT promise transformation.  I think most of us have a misconception that when we have attained these things.. salvation, knowledge, righteousness, and many more that we will also obtain our healing of our hurts and our wholeness as men and women of God.  Your relationship with your Father with Jesus is "the way" to healing... In Him you will find a place where you want to go back and empty all your baggage and say.. please Daddy this is what happened and I need you to make this right... I need you to teach me to love the person that did this to me.. teach me how to forgive them.. forgive me for allowing "whatever" to resinate into my being... allowing "those things" to dangle in the back of my mind.  Those memories to slightly alter my thinking... and Daddy while i'm here i'm gonna let you know exactly how all this has made me feel... like when it first happened.. whether sad or angry or bitter or hard.. i'm gonna let it all out.. I'm gonna feel it until you take it and I don't feel that way anymore.  I need you to take care of it.. I need you to heal my heart.  I need you to be my protector and my daddy for real.  Not just in thought, but for real.  I need you to show me the truth and show me where you were when my life was going down... to the simplest sensitive moments to the the times i felt completely neglected , or abandoned, or unloved.  This is where HEALING is found.. not just in having prayer and reading the word every morning and evening but in actual communion... when you say ... Lord show me what I need to do to be whole to be healed to not hurt.  I'm amazed at how He always meets me wherever i am in this.  Ready to show that he is my protector my daddy.  That he will take care of the past things.. and he is readily taking care of me now.  Just a reminder that it's not just about going to church and saying you love Jesus or even knowing scripture or saying your prayers.. but it's within your communion that you will find the richness of life your soul longs for.  -khristen 

fancyyou

commonality is the theme

reacting and responding 

LIKE any OLE being

nothing new under the sun 

TOO many sensitivities 

in the scheme of things

blended words, tones, and rhymes

speaking, acting, and following the line

TELL them what they want to hear

fancy their ears

repeat back to her what she just said

feed him your heart right out your head

aroused the moment expectation is misplaced

ruffling opportunities for offense

SERIOUSLY!!!!

dare to stand alone. 

hold something precious

  feel responsibility 

 until it owns you

 consistency becomes you

creativity maneuvers you through 

disproving what everyone "thinks"

YOU NEED TO DO.

walk away or maybe sit down

scream or maybe shut your mouth

weep or laugh whichever fits...

always smile.. especially when you wanna quit.

CHOOSE to be different

and be OKAY with knowing it.

kindness leads us to repentance 

a gentle word

a smile

a light

choose 

to

 shine

khristen

unbetterme

awaken 

these perceptions of me

not the better me 

not the evil me

let me see the me

 with you

the me 

without you

rebirth these bones to life

enriching these limbs to sweetness

lengthening the reach of inspiration

clevering the way

purify reasonings

justify like noon day

show me your action

your deed

your integrity towards me

show me your activity

your vigor

you advancing forward

simple path

strait 

and 

fine

no 

tip 

toeing 

towards mine

show me your stride

your reach

your fight

purify my life

refine my sight

my perceptions

my mind

where you look is 

what you see

please be with me

completely

so that 

when they look 

they don't see me

khristen

unsleep

What is this thing that haunts me while i sleep..

It lingers too long and asks...

toomuchofme.....

My thoughts run over... 

eachother.......

The couch holds my security..

withinit’sbend.....

Wake me before morning...

isnotwhatidesire

Restless sundays....

alwaysthesame

Put your mind away...

Set your dreams for a different day...

Your worries for better way...

Quit thinking about what you’ll say...

It’s not time to play... (dumb cat)

Take a deep breath.. Everything is ok.

No mind

No will

No arms

No breath

Think on Him and flowers and Love.. the cross and rest...peace.. rest... His eyes.. His hands.. His word.. Oh not too much for your desires will wake you again... 

just sleep and rest.. sleep and rest ... sleep and rest... -khristen (Aug. 09)

yougotme

bounce off of me

reflecting both of what we see

unknowingly what it could bring

reaching for new heights

jumping to take flight

doubt heavies the feet

pressure clouds the way

trust throws me up

faith snatches me up... to the clouds

you carry me... for a moment

letting me breathe

carrying me on pressures that try to stop me

... the irony

right before my breath is caught

thrown again... way way up..

so far up my peace grows feet

dreaming of the ground they were meant to meet

you wrap me up to make me new

like a worm in a cocoon

wondering.... seriously?? am i gonna fly soon?!? 

your warm arms hold me tight as you chuckle inside

... i have no idea what's going on.. but i know you got me. 

-khristen