This is from a chapter in my book... It came up in me today and felt like i should share it... it's a whole lot to read and directed towards girls BUT... i think guys can relate as well... so hope you all enjoy!!
This chapter is about ... STAYING TRUE TO YOU :)
When you kissed someone for the very first time… You didn’t just give that person a kiss you gave that person something much more special. You gave them a “first experience.” Which means maybe you gave them some trust, some emotion, some hope, some innocence, and some time. You gave this because you felt this person was “worth” spending a part of your self on. You felt this person somehow was worth having your first experience with. Do remember how you felt the first time you were rejected by that person or you found out that person wasn’t who you thought they were. Do remember how disappointed you were to think that you gave him something that he really didn’t deserve. This is a small example of what happens when you give your self sexually to a boy for the first time. Some girls wait until they are married so that to make sure that this guy has completely proven that he is who he says he is. That he will do what he says he will do and he feels for you as he says he feels. When you are young (11, 12, 13-) those “first experiences” are unforgettable. If they were bad experiences then sometimes it leaves an impression on us for years before we can trust someone again truly. A lot of times in this situation we become very numb and don’t care anymore and just do whatever because we have felt that everything that was special… we already gave away. Maybe you feel as if your “first experiences” were good. Do you remember after those experiences played out how you felt afterwards? Do you remember the empty feeling that crawled up in you when you tried to go to bed that night by yourself? Do you remember thinking how your mind and your heart raced as you played it all over and over in your mind. Trying to hold on to each little moment and make it as wonderful and special as possible. Sweet friend, this is how it goes. You didn’t just give that boy sex. You gave him something much more special. You gave him your innocence, your complete trust. You put your entire life in his hands for a moment. Tell me something if I had all the money in the world could I buy your innocence from you? Could I buy your complete trust? What about your life? Would you sell me your life? Do you see? People sell sex every day, but no amount of money in the world is worth your life. If you can’t live your life then what good would money do you? My question to you today is : What is so special about this boy that he is worth your life? Do you believe that this person has shown you that you can trust him with your life? We aren’t talking about your child’s life we are just talking about yours. I know that your deeds are done at this point. But the thing is if you don’t realize your worth it’s going to be very hard for you to make decisions in clarity. Just because your whole life will be different now doesn’t mean that there is not hope for your destiny. I promise you one thing your purpose in life has never and will never be to give another human being every part of you and full rights to you. God made you individually which means that you are responsible for making decisions for yourself and now for your child. You are responsible for the your own well being and now your child’s well being.
When you have sex with any person something happens. Even if you are forced to have sex this thing that takes place is undeniable. When you have sex your spirit inside of you comes alive. It is as awake as it has ever been. If this is a bad experience that was forced a lot of times your spirit is crushed and you feel completely tarnished and dead in side. At best your spirit feels like a Utopia for a moment wanting nothing else but to feel that moment over and over for the rest of your life. Either way what has happened is that other person has completely experienced the deepest part of you that you could possibly give to another person physically and spiritually. Sex is the only act in which you can hold and attain so much power with another individual. Boys were made to protect and be strong. Many boys want to “display” their strength by having sex with a girl. This is the height of immaturity and complete carelessness. If that boy is not man enough to protect you as well as show his strength in self control than he is not a man at all. Not only is he just another boy showing off, but he has in that moment emasculated himself to you. This is such a vulnerable place for a young man. A place that few boys ever realize what happened. Sometimes these boys take responsibility for their actions by becoming a man and learning to discipline themselves and others just find themselves of sick cycles of trying find the greatest challenge to conquer.
The girl on the other hand will either find her worth again or she will mistakenly try to experience feeling her worth by continuing the act she sold her worth to. If you have paid someone your worth with sex then sex becomes what makes you feel like you are worth something. This is why so many girls feel pretty or special when they are having sex but when they are not they feel very alone wanting to feel whole again. Thinking that at some point this guy will finally do something that will give her back her worth or maybe the next guy will show her worth. What is so sad is usually when we are in these patterns we feel like the guy who would show us respect and worth we do not deserve. He is too good for us. This is such a lie. God made you special. We all mess up and make dumb decisions. We must let God make us whole again. We must allow him to show us what He made us for and who he made us to be. When we allow him to do this we are allowing Him to re-define to us what we are worth. We are allowing him to show us why we are so special and why we cost so much. Why do you think Christianity speaks of the cost Jesus paid on the cross. It speaks of this because he paid everything so that God could make you whole. You see God doesn’t tell you not to do things just because he is god and he can… That’s how a drug addict father handles his children not the God of the universe. God is much more purposeful in his commands. The reason He tells us not to have sex outside of marriage is to protect us from these things. He gives us commands to protect us from our own innocence our own foolishness. He knows how special he made little girls and he knows that he put in them things that no money can buy and no man truly deserves. What he deserves is not so much the issue but whether or not he knows how to handle special things. Would you give your soon to be toddler the keys to your car and tell him or her to drive down the road? No way! That car cost way too much for you to so foolishly let someone who is obviously not able to drive; the opportunity to completely destroy the car and themselves. That would be a complete act of stupidity not to mention beyond carelessness and much more endangerment of the child that the parent displayed. This is what you have done when you have sex with a boy (young or old) that has never treated himself much less any other girl with care. If he hasn’t shown it and if he isn’t showing it please believe me when I say that you my dear cost too much for him to go for a “practice drive” with you. Your value compared to any material thing is un-comparable. At this point you can not change the things you have given away or who you gave them to. There is something you can do though you can choose today to no longer participate in the cycles that leave you cheapened and empty. Make a choice today that no matter how uncomfortable or lonely you may feel that you are going to give God the opportunity to make you whole and show you your worth again. One thing I know to be true. If you do not know what you are worth most other people will not see it either. If you want a guy that is going to treat you right you need to start acting like you want to be treated right and quit treating yourself so wrong. You are responsible for who you surround yourself with. You are responsible for who you allow to affect your life and influence you to do things. You must start thinking about what type of person you want to become so that you can have the “true” desires of your heart. These things I am speaking to you of I know are deep and strong, but I pray that you can grasp and hear the words I am saying to you. You were made with a purpose a destiny. You were made to do great things. You were made to feel things like happiness, love, peace, hurt, pain, destruction. When I say you were made for these things it means you were made to feel these and grow deeper in these things… Either you over come hurt or you grow deeper in it… Either you overcome pain or you grow deeper in it. It seems so easy to grow deeper in happiness and love and peace, but we need to make sure that those things we are using to grow our “happiness” are not just cheap imitations of what we really want. Those cheap imitations will trap you every time trying to keep you growing deeper into destruction all the while you are trying to figure out if those moments of happiness or “utopia” are worth the place they are taking you. -khristen (glimpse of chapter 9)
