agirl

the fornicator that is attracted to Jesus

the girl that couldn't reach Him

the girl who's filthy hands

desire to be cleaned by Him

her past times numb her pain

for a night she feels complete

mornings never come easy

she longs to be rid of all of it

everyone looks on her with disdain

wondering why she hates herself 

plain as day she flaunts her sin

like the woman standing on the rooftop

calling for her lovers to come in

loud and belligerent she screams her offense

falling around barely coherent...

where she lands is where she'll stay

at least for this day.

nights of peace come rare with her

but still they are there

those nights she finds her self daring 

to think... would He have me?

Could He touch me?

Lost is her way.

but something in her she still feels..

a feeling that cannot fade??

even through the pain?

even when she's numb this longing seems to ache...

her soul is attracted to Him.

to Jesus

She is intrigued by His kindness.

She is overwhelmed by His words.

She is humbled that He would look at her 

and spend time sharing himself with her.

She thinks if He knew what all i've done

He would turn and walk away.

He sits with her and talks a while..

She empties out all her pain

She tells of all her lovers

She tells of her junk

To her surprise he continues with her 

later in the night

he sits with her til the sun comes up

and anything and everything was said

embracing this girl.. she thinks to herself

how could He seriously touch me now

i'm so filthy

i'm so hurt

broken, crushed, and ignorant

i'm selfish in my way

i'm lost so lost and cling to the smallest 

hint of security

and He just comes and sits with me?

like it's no thing?

like who i am doesn't offend him?

like he likes me in-spite of my sin??

... i am so attracted to him...

i feel loved by him...

though i do not feel clean my dirt so much more apparent..

but he didn't even seem to notice it.

Though he now knows all of it.

He just kept making me want to look at Him.

I look at Him.

I look at His way.

It makes me want to stay.

Close to Him. 

i'm attracted to him

i'm a fornicator and attracted to Jesus

is that possible??

others may laugh.. i don't care

He sits by me and he doesn't stare..

me down like other men do

their eyes

their hands

do things that emasculate

and I let them cause i hate them

and hate myself as well

but YOU.. You have given me hope

shown me something i've never seen before

a real man

a man that's strong 

and knows real love

a man that protects

and knows how to hold himself

control his will

Jesus can i long for you??

Others will tell me no.

The religious may say it's heresy 

A girl like that can't possibly know

how to "desire" PURELY

so she mustn't desire at all??

They will tell me to clean my hands

before i speak of You.

they will tell me to walk a strait line 

before i run for You.

but Jesus... you spoke to me when still i was dirty

i didn't come seeking You! 

You found me in this place.

How can they expect ANYTHING from me????

I just want You.

Not their laws and expectations..

i just want You

not their obligations...

They can keep their lifestyles

and their reputations

all i know is i'm attracted to You

Jesus i can make no promises

look where i've been

all i can do is tell you

You have touched my heart in this moment

so much so... I want to know you more

can i just know you more???

Jesus i'm a product of my parents

walking in my shame

i try to appear pretty 

to make it go away

i don't know anything else.

so please just stay.

that's all i know.

I'm attracted to You and i want you to stay.

-a girl

makebelieve

make believe

who you want to be

write it out

dare to see

your make believe

become reality

your story be

as you read it

doubt has no page here

worry has no way

simplistic imagination

draws out the path to take

tall, miniature, plump, or raily

all can make believe

your minds eye holds

the gateway key 

to your purposed destiny

 everything you could dream

anything you can see 

let your imagination free 

purity keeps the way healthy to explore wisdom in practice makes reality soar up to your highest imaginable moments laughing/weeping all the way fear has no bed here faith is too prevalent love is the glue ingredient keeping us believing this dreaming up the magnificent this is BRILLIANT! which colors will you choose in your pallet painting the picture of your life which tools fit your hands so that your stroke is just as planned who will be your inspiration when thinkativity has begun what will you look like when this process is done :) BEAUTIFUL you.

-khristen

REMINDER OF THE YEAR

The gift of salvation does not promise the healing of your heart.  The knowledge of who God is does not promise that you will become a whole person.  Acting and doing all the "right" things in love and in the name of Jesus does NOT promise transformation.  I think most of us have a misconception that when we have attained these things.. salvation, knowledge, righteousness, and many more that we will also obtain our healing of our hurts and our wholeness as men and women of God.  Your relationship with your Father with Jesus is "the way" to healing... In Him you will find a place where you want to go back and empty all your baggage and say.. please Daddy this is what happened and I need you to make this right... I need you to teach me to love the person that did this to me.. teach me how to forgive them.. forgive me for allowing "whatever" to resinate into my being... allowing "those things" to dangle in the back of my mind.  Those memories to slightly alter my thinking... and Daddy while i'm here i'm gonna let you know exactly how all this has made me feel... like when it first happened.. whether sad or angry or bitter or hard.. i'm gonna let it all out.. I'm gonna feel it until you take it and I don't feel that way anymore.  I need you to take care of it.. I need you to heal my heart.  I need you to be my protector and my daddy for real.  Not just in thought, but for real.  I need you to show me the truth and show me where you were when my life was going down... to the simplest sensitive moments to the the times i felt completely neglected , or abandoned, or unloved.  This is where HEALING is found.. not just in having prayer and reading the word every morning and evening but in actual communion... when you say ... Lord show me what I need to do to be whole to be healed to not hurt.  I'm amazed at how He always meets me wherever i am in this.  Ready to show that he is my protector my daddy.  That he will take care of the past things.. and he is readily taking care of me now.  Just a reminder that it's not just about going to church and saying you love Jesus or even knowing scripture or saying your prayers.. but it's within your communion that you will find the richness of life your soul longs for.  -khristen 

fancyyou

commonality is the theme

reacting and responding 

LIKE any OLE being

nothing new under the sun 

TOO many sensitivities 

in the scheme of things

blended words, tones, and rhymes

speaking, acting, and following the line

TELL them what they want to hear

fancy their ears

repeat back to her what she just said

feed him your heart right out your head

aroused the moment expectation is misplaced

ruffling opportunities for offense

SERIOUSLY!!!!

dare to stand alone. 

hold something precious

  feel responsibility 

 until it owns you

 consistency becomes you

creativity maneuvers you through 

disproving what everyone "thinks"

YOU NEED TO DO.

walk away or maybe sit down

scream or maybe shut your mouth

weep or laugh whichever fits...

always smile.. especially when you wanna quit.

CHOOSE to be different

and be OKAY with knowing it.

kindness leads us to repentance 

a gentle word

a smile

a light

choose 

to

 shine

khristen

unbetterme

awaken 

these perceptions of me

not the better me 

not the evil me

let me see the me

 with you

the me 

without you

rebirth these bones to life

enriching these limbs to sweetness

lengthening the reach of inspiration

clevering the way

purify reasonings

justify like noon day

show me your action

your deed

your integrity towards me

show me your activity

your vigor

you advancing forward

simple path

strait 

and 

fine

no 

tip 

toeing 

towards mine

show me your stride

your reach

your fight

purify my life

refine my sight

my perceptions

my mind

where you look is 

what you see

please be with me

completely

so that 

when they look 

they don't see me

khristen

unsleep

What is this thing that haunts me while i sleep..

It lingers too long and asks...

toomuchofme.....

My thoughts run over... 

eachother.......

The couch holds my security..

withinit’sbend.....

Wake me before morning...

isnotwhatidesire

Restless sundays....

alwaysthesame

Put your mind away...

Set your dreams for a different day...

Your worries for better way...

Quit thinking about what you’ll say...

It’s not time to play... (dumb cat)

Take a deep breath.. Everything is ok.

No mind

No will

No arms

No breath

Think on Him and flowers and Love.. the cross and rest...peace.. rest... His eyes.. His hands.. His word.. Oh not too much for your desires will wake you again... 

just sleep and rest.. sleep and rest ... sleep and rest... -khristen (Aug. 09)

yougotme

bounce off of me

reflecting both of what we see

unknowingly what it could bring

reaching for new heights

jumping to take flight

doubt heavies the feet

pressure clouds the way

trust throws me up

faith snatches me up... to the clouds

you carry me... for a moment

letting me breathe

carrying me on pressures that try to stop me

... the irony

right before my breath is caught

thrown again... way way up..

so far up my peace grows feet

dreaming of the ground they were meant to meet

you wrap me up to make me new

like a worm in a cocoon

wondering.... seriously?? am i gonna fly soon?!? 

your warm arms hold me tight as you chuckle inside

... i have no idea what's going on.. but i know you got me. 

-khristen

words.words.words.that's all i see

your word written is what i read

your spirit is near, LIKE water to by being

written words are the next best thing to hearing you speak

the written word that you love me will have to do

the written word... that's what is done

sometimes you send someone

randomly they respond and speak the kindness you wish to express

the love it seems so suppressed.

there are some things i wanna say

somethings i need to articulate

somethings that words can't help 

some hurts that need a friend

i'll crawl back into your word

hold it dear as i sleep

please sing your song and cover me

help me through this day

the end i can not face.. with out you.

i love you, Lord, i trust you. i depend on you.

-khristen

completely broken

namelesswave

_{NAMELESS _________ WAVE} 

_{RISES TO MY GAZE}

_{EMOTIONAL CURRENT} 

FEEDING THE SOURCE

_{DISMANTLING FEAR} 

_{LIKE A MAZE}

_{TWISTING and TURNING} 

_{USING FORCE}

_{SEARCHING EVERY CRACK AND CREASE}

CAN I JUST HIDE UNTIL ALL PASSES BY

_{I WANT TO TURN AND RUN}

_{I WANT TO CHASE MY COMFORT}

_{I WANT TO LAY IN THE SUN AND JUST BE}

_{I WANT YOU TO WRAP ME UP SO I CANT SEE}

THIS WAVE ________THAT IS BUILDING OVER ME

MY INSIDES START TO TREMBLE AS IT GROWS NEAR

_{DO I REALLY HAVE TO CONTINUE TO STAND HERE??}

STRENGTHEN ME

_{MAKE ME BRAVE}

_{LET ME NOT JUST STAND}

_{BUT LET ME JUMP IN}

_{WITH ALL THAT I HAVE}

_{THIS WAVE IS NOTHING}

_{COMPARED TO YOU} 

_{THIS WAVE}

_{CAN'T KEEP ME}

_CONFUSED

_{THIS WAVE.}

_{IS A WAVE.} 

-nothing new to you, God.  

-ugh, (sigh) khristen

most favorite

I learned both what is secret and what is manifest, for wisdom, the fashioner of all things, taught me.  There is in her a spirit that is intelligent, holy, unique, manifold, subtle, mobile, clear, unpolluted, distinct, invulnerable, loving the good, keen, irresistible, beneficent, humane, steadfast, sure, free from anxiety, all-powerful, overseeing all, and penetrating through all spirits that are intelligent, pure, and all together subtle.  For wisdom is more mobile than any motion; because of her pureness she pervades and penetrates all things.  For she is a breath of the power of God, and a pure emanation of the glory of the Almighty; therefore nothing defiled gains entrance into her.  For she is a reflection of eternal light, a spotless mirror of the working of God, and an image of his goodness.  Although she is but one, she can do all things; in every generation she passes into holy souls and makes them friends of God and prophets; for God loves nothing so much as the person who lives with wisdom.  She is more beautiful than the sun, and excels every constellation of the stars.  Compared with the light she is found to be superior, for it is succeeded by the night, but against wisdom evil does not prevail.

 

The Wisdom of Solomon 7: 21-30

letuspray

singing my song over you

hum until you hear

listen to my soft song

whispering in your ear

let your mind find rest here

seems comfort cannot sleep

surrender trying to find rest 

peace meets you oh so deep.. 

right where there's a need

Cover sweet song... her minds ear,

give her solace here

speak to her sweet spirit

let her body feel.. YOU with her...  around her.. holding her... surrounding her.  Her wounds i pray you heal.  Her hurt i pray YOU feel... for her.  take this from her.  Let her rest in You.  I pray not one day taken away that is not your will. You have her. You have us. Draw us to Your side. Take him and strengthen for the night.  Let us pray until we're through and all together again.  Please reside with her tonight and hold her so so tight.. in love.. in comfort, allowing not one fright. Let her feel like Your spirit is pillowing all around.  Comforting every inch of her as she listens to Your sound.. Your song.. sing sing sing over her... melody carry her away.. somewhere else for the day until she can stand to stay.. awake.  Strengthen her frame. 

 i love you-khristen

ramblings...

lord, i love that we can approach you with all things. thankyou for handling my stuff and being my daddy.thankyou for waking me up and hanging out with me. thanks for singing your songs

over me while i sleep. thanks for good friends and good plans.  you always know how to make me smile. always sending some random person to deliver your messages of love. lol

thank you for loving me.  thank you for the gifts you have given me this week.  they made my day.  thanks for giving me the desires of my heart this week and i didn't realize it til you clued me in early this morning.. lol.. we are so selfish, lord. Forgive me for being so self-centered and about my own way. so worried that things will never turn out as i hope. so afraid to be disappointed. wanting to control my life so that i can have what i think i deserve..?? lol.. that's hilarious. my disappointments come when my hope is set in anything but you.. when will this soul truly learn that you know me better than i know myself. that you ARE the author of my life, the creator of my desires, and the mender of my dreams... these are my rants and ramblings to you, daddy. hope you don't mind me sharing with my friends.  love-khristen   

ingwords

waiting 

learning

holding

churning

persevering

bending

thinking

moving

continuing 

longing

flexing

singing

revolving

fancying 

retrieving

cherishing

focusing

seeking

whispering

running

pursuing

choosing

racing

juggling

touching

befriending

likening 

redeeming

soothing

receiving

creating

dreaming

consuming

rewarding

adoring

praying

reflecting

shining

smiling

brighting

flowing

speaking

determining

reminding

alarming

waking

yielding

making

timing

committing 

righting

wording

returning

working

strengthening

gazing

fixing

reaching

sharing

resting

wooing

playing

laughing

multiplying

relying

gazing

trusting

leaning

keeping

loving

you/me - to/for/on 

you

parched your words satisfy

they drip off to the driest of dry

depths of me

rolling over in me

stirring up these gifts in me

inspiring me to new degrees

your words send life through me

 truth enriching my bones

resting my being in this peace that i know...

you've got me.

good intentioned words yet insufficient for this moment

can i just soak it up??

with no response now

though my wordless expression may be enough

to show my gratitude

my love for you

my appreciation for what you bring

for this new song i can sing

melodies so sweet

before i couldn't carry

you've widened my range 

so that i may open up more

stretch myself farther now

maybe sing higher now

louder now

with more control this time

not making a fool of my time.

Sweet time forgive me for my transgressions

forgive me for what i've wasted

precious time be on my side

redeeming time makes all things right

your truth is so sweet

it carries over into my dreams

your love is so pure

makes me want to love you more

your song sets the pace to my heart

your words direct a new...

thank you for loving me-khristen

keepme

Keep me, Lord.  I am Yours.   I trust You with this day and tomorrow's day.  I love You especially when I cannot see what's ahead.  Your promises are as good as done.  Your words... the sweetest taste i've ever known.  Your smile ushers a shaking laughter.  Your goodness blankets my inner girl.  Your strength overwhelms my feeble ways.  Your faithfulness draws my heart to a passionate pursuit.  Your friendship humbles me completely.  Your gaze awakens me. Your pursuit overtakes me.  Your song enchants my soul.  Your touch completes me.  Your will secures my being.  Your peace enhances my boldness.  Your joy gives strength to these bones.  Your wisdom reaches deep for my anchor.  Your love holds me, whispering delicate piercing truth to my heart, transforming my desires, my mind, my will, my emotion, my soul.  You keep me.  - i love you-khristen 

 

Joyful Anticipation

I am so grateful that God has given us his Holy Spirit to walk with us.  When opportunities arise to shine i pray that we take them.  Opportunities like smiling in the eye of hardship.  Laughing when everything is falling apart.  Singing something nice instead of profanities :) lol Choosing to change your perspective.  Looking past the temporaries of a circumstance and seeing the richness "crap" brings long term when it's used in the proper way in the proper place.  

Read this in Romans this morning.. it's one of my favorites and like the way it breaks it down in "the message" so again i'll share that translation :) 

 ^18-21That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

 ^22-25All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

 ^26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

 ^29-30God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

 ^31-39So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: 

   They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. 
   We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

Thank God I don't have to WORRY ABOUT what's going to happen.  I just keep going. keep on. keep seeking. keep loving. SET MY EYES.  -khristen