buildingblocks

I'm humbled to see how God loves us.  He is so strong and brave.  He fears nothing.  He is such a wonderful daddy.  I'm learning that God is a daddy that loves us so that He desires to build us into people that are whole walking with Him.  He made the foundations of the Earth and made elements in their purest most whole form.  I believe He desires for us to be daily renewed and ultimately transformed into wholeness and purity.  I think sometimes in our walk we think, I've got this!  I'm doing EVERYTHING right... just the way i know i'm suppose to.. I'm going to church all the time.. i pray every morning.. i'm reading my word.. i'm witnessing.. i'm taking care of my family AND i am set in the calling God has placed on my heart.  Then something happens and our foundations begin to shake!?  This human mind thinks back... oh no... What am i doing wrong.. Why are people responding to me this way?  Why aren't things working out? How did i let things slip through my hands?  What did I miss?  It's like a child building a building out of blocks and they think they have almost completed their master piece when Daddy comes in and says, "Child, time to put up the blocks!!"  Maybe it's time to eat or maybe it's time to learn how to ride a bike. ONLY God knows what time it is ultimately but KNOW that when you don't drop your blocks and come to Him.. Daddy will come in and PUT the BLOCKS up for you!! Especially if you have given Him those rights in your life!! It amazes me that we turn over our rights and then freak out when He uses them.  Remember that He knows what you need to be whole.  Sometimes he has to take away all the things we are good at and called to so that we may be developed in other ways!! To become whole mature men and women of God..  Take joy in trial.. for they bring perseverance  so that you may FINISH your race and that you may become mature not lacking anything!!! I know this is easier said than done and easier read than practiced, but rest assured that though it might feel as if He has picked you up from your blocks and set you in a foreign land ... HE is still your daddy and He knew where you would be THIS day when He gave you your dreams and your promises.  He just wants to develop other sides of us.  This isn't fun and sometimes it hurts our pride so much because we put SO MUCH TIME, EFFORT, AND PRACTICE in building OUR STRUCTURE.  KNOW this day that just like any mature adult can go in and build a tower of building block that looks amazing to any child in little of NO TIME.  He can rebuild any structure you found amazing as well... in NO TIME!  When we have finished our race ... the crown of life is waiting :) -khristen

BRING IT ON!

I am 28 years old and I live in the top of someone's garage with my son who will be 13 in a few weeks.  I don't own a house or drive a nice car.  We wear sale rack clothes  and we wash them at the laundry mat.  We have 3 tvs that we never watch and 2 game systems that we never play.  We do not have an oven or a stove, but our microwave, electric skillet, and grill can cook almost anything we want.  When I was fifteen a handful of people told me that a day would come that I would resent trying to raise my son myself.  They told me that I would not be able to afford to give him all that he needed.  For a moment this week I thought they might be right.  I found myself not being able to afford the "life" my child wants.  So we talked about this "life" that he so desires.  The life of three bedroom homes and 2 parents in a house.  Where kids have puppy dogs that play in the backyard and all their friends come over every weekend to hang out.  A life where name brand clothes are bought more so as accessories not necessity.  Name brands to pacify the desire to "fit in" and "be accepted" instead of buying clothes for quality and stewardship.  A life where kids have every "toy" in the world to babysit and keep them occupied.  The thing is for me to attain these things for myself i would work two jobs and get ahead for a while (hopefully nothing major comes up) and then after a while I could have my house and my dog and backyard and four-wheelers and my SUV to park in my 2 car garage in which I would NOT have a miniature horse living in.  The big question here is though... while i'm working my tail off.... WHO is raising my son????? While others may find it important to obtain these things I am more so worried about knowing my son and he knowing me.  So that I may deposit in him the things he needs to MAKE HIS OWN LIFE!!  So then you tell me.. You just need to get married... A two parent home sounds fantastic, but I will not use some poor soul just for security.  To live or marry with someone that the Lord has not brought to me.  To compromise that is more detrimental than any decision i could possibly make.  Who wants to live in a home where now not only do we still have the SAME problems, but now i have to worry about how to make a grown man happy and how he is spending our money and etc... I will not have my son resent me and some poor soul just because the standard of "living well" has been set in possessions and achievements.  These things will all pass.  They can dry rot in your hand before you ever even get to use them if you aren't careful.  To all those people that told me I would resent him.  For you who told me that I needed to quit doing the things I knew God was calling me to so that I could get a REAL JOB .  I tell you AGAIN, "i am rich in ways you will never understand."  The only resentments that I find creeping into me is when I start to hear YOUR voice speak through MY CHILD.  

-don't forget where he came from.. He was birthed in forgiveness, redemption, sacrifice, obedience, and more so love.  He has grown up in a home with peace, joy, laughter, and CREATIVITY.  He has learned discipline, respect, honor, and  perseverance.  He knows a happiness that lasts longer than a trip to disney world or the list of redbox movies you watch every weekend.  He has always had everything needs and more material possessions than any kid could ever ask for!  More so he was born as MY son there fore  my authority and standards will determine what "living well" means in my home.

PLEASE DO NOT CROSS THIS LINE. 

Please understand I have nothing against 2 parent homes and nice things and i do believe you can raise your kids in a home that has everything and you and your children still be rich.  This is just not an option for me in my life right now, and the attitude that i SHOULD attain the house and car and materialistic crap for sake of my kid being happy is a poverish  mindset.  Poverty and Wealth in my house are not measured in money or possessions, but in character and how much you have inside of you that enRICHES others.  Hence the word RICH.  

-khristen

lovejudgement

"i find it ironic that the very things I long for

from others... are the very things..

He has continually asked me to give to Him."

"i fear that others will treat me as i have treated God...

complete negligence at times it seems."

"test and see what shines through you??????!?"

"sometimes i feel as though i have limited others to love me...

as i have loved HIM... like my love for Him has set the 

mold in my life.. and until i have broken that mold

my heart knows nothing more..." 

" will we miss all our opportunities to show love- 

being caught up in distractions

caught up in ourselves

trying to "do" everything in "our power" 

to become "better" people- 

meanwhile "potential betters" 

never knew you cared

never knew you at all ... "

" sit at a bedside.

visit someone who has lost freedom.

speak to the hopeless. 

no selfish ambitions.

no self-bettering.

just raw-pure-intentions of love. "

-khristen

 

peevishme

remembering peevish me in heartbreak land

wondering if you were really my friend

your voice gentle but seemed so harsh then

reiterated that I was the child and You were the parent

you have always had a way of speaking so clear

especially when i didn't want to hear

God of the universe and even you could not please me

lost in my own need

consumed with my own well being

never realizing You had me

always protecting

You looked past my limited vision

my sight could only see condition

peevish me completely disobedient 

spoiled, ungrateful of Your goodness

willing to settle for expedience

burdened by past moments

peevish me forgetting your richness

joy brands these trials

my wholeness glorifies...

your name

today you remind me of that old day

when my heart and hurts felt the same

you remind me

of the promise you made

today you call me by a new name

DELIGHTED, i am in You

PLEASED to say the least.

your promises are brand new

and my desire is found in You

 

this morning you played me a song

you whispered in my ear

and called me by name

you spoke your written word back to me

this time full circling

showed me your promise

sealing it with your guarantee

you have placed that seal on my heart

i love you .. thank you for your patience

-khristen

God'sreality

love me with a love that is stronger than sin, worry, or shame

a love that's brave, unconditionally so, a love that loves the hidden me

underneath this shell of a being, the me that only you can truly see

the dirtiest me, the prettiest me, the mes in between

thankyou for teaching us love -khristen

 ^18-20My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

 ^21-24And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him. Again, this is God's command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us.

1John3

agirl

the fornicator that is attracted to Jesus

the girl that couldn't reach Him

the girl who's filthy hands

desire to be cleaned by Him

her past times numb her pain

for a night she feels complete

mornings never come easy

she longs to be rid of all of it

everyone looks on her with disdain

wondering why she hates herself 

plain as day she flaunts her sin

like the woman standing on the rooftop

calling for her lovers to come in

loud and belligerent she screams her offense

falling around barely coherent...

where she lands is where she'll stay

at least for this day.

nights of peace come rare with her

but still they are there

those nights she finds her self daring 

to think... would He have me?

Could He touch me?

Lost is her way.

but something in her she still feels..

a feeling that cannot fade??

even through the pain?

even when she's numb this longing seems to ache...

her soul is attracted to Him.

to Jesus

She is intrigued by His kindness.

She is overwhelmed by His words.

She is humbled that He would look at her 

and spend time sharing himself with her.

She thinks if He knew what all i've done

He would turn and walk away.

He sits with her and talks a while..

She empties out all her pain

She tells of all her lovers

She tells of her junk

To her surprise he continues with her 

later in the night

he sits with her til the sun comes up

and anything and everything was said

embracing this girl.. she thinks to herself

how could He seriously touch me now

i'm so filthy

i'm so hurt

broken, crushed, and ignorant

i'm selfish in my way

i'm lost so lost and cling to the smallest 

hint of security

and He just comes and sits with me?

like it's no thing?

like who i am doesn't offend him?

like he likes me in-spite of my sin??

... i am so attracted to him...

i feel loved by him...

though i do not feel clean my dirt so much more apparent..

but he didn't even seem to notice it.

Though he now knows all of it.

He just kept making me want to look at Him.

I look at Him.

I look at His way.

It makes me want to stay.

Close to Him. 

i'm attracted to him

i'm a fornicator and attracted to Jesus

is that possible??

others may laugh.. i don't care

He sits by me and he doesn't stare..

me down like other men do

their eyes

their hands

do things that emasculate

and I let them cause i hate them

and hate myself as well

but YOU.. You have given me hope

shown me something i've never seen before

a real man

a man that's strong 

and knows real love

a man that protects

and knows how to hold himself

control his will

Jesus can i long for you??

Others will tell me no.

The religious may say it's heresy 

A girl like that can't possibly know

how to "desire" PURELY

so she mustn't desire at all??

They will tell me to clean my hands

before i speak of You.

they will tell me to walk a strait line 

before i run for You.

but Jesus... you spoke to me when still i was dirty

i didn't come seeking You! 

You found me in this place.

How can they expect ANYTHING from me????

I just want You.

Not their laws and expectations..

i just want You

not their obligations...

They can keep their lifestyles

and their reputations

all i know is i'm attracted to You

Jesus i can make no promises

look where i've been

all i can do is tell you

You have touched my heart in this moment

so much so... I want to know you more

can i just know you more???

Jesus i'm a product of my parents

walking in my shame

i try to appear pretty 

to make it go away

i don't know anything else.

so please just stay.

that's all i know.

I'm attracted to You and i want you to stay.

-a girl

makebelieve

make believe

who you want to be

write it out

dare to see

your make believe

become reality

your story be

as you read it

doubt has no page here

worry has no way

simplistic imagination

draws out the path to take

tall, miniature, plump, or raily

all can make believe

your minds eye holds

the gateway key 

to your purposed destiny

 everything you could dream

anything you can see 

let your imagination free 

purity keeps the way healthy to explore wisdom in practice makes reality soar up to your highest imaginable moments laughing/weeping all the way fear has no bed here faith is too prevalent love is the glue ingredient keeping us believing this dreaming up the magnificent this is BRILLIANT! which colors will you choose in your pallet painting the picture of your life which tools fit your hands so that your stroke is just as planned who will be your inspiration when thinkativity has begun what will you look like when this process is done :) BEAUTIFUL you.

-khristen

REMINDER OF THE YEAR

The gift of salvation does not promise the healing of your heart.  The knowledge of who God is does not promise that you will become a whole person.  Acting and doing all the "right" things in love and in the name of Jesus does NOT promise transformation.  I think most of us have a misconception that when we have attained these things.. salvation, knowledge, righteousness, and many more that we will also obtain our healing of our hurts and our wholeness as men and women of God.  Your relationship with your Father with Jesus is "the way" to healing... In Him you will find a place where you want to go back and empty all your baggage and say.. please Daddy this is what happened and I need you to make this right... I need you to teach me to love the person that did this to me.. teach me how to forgive them.. forgive me for allowing "whatever" to resinate into my being... allowing "those things" to dangle in the back of my mind.  Those memories to slightly alter my thinking... and Daddy while i'm here i'm gonna let you know exactly how all this has made me feel... like when it first happened.. whether sad or angry or bitter or hard.. i'm gonna let it all out.. I'm gonna feel it until you take it and I don't feel that way anymore.  I need you to take care of it.. I need you to heal my heart.  I need you to be my protector and my daddy for real.  Not just in thought, but for real.  I need you to show me the truth and show me where you were when my life was going down... to the simplest sensitive moments to the the times i felt completely neglected , or abandoned, or unloved.  This is where HEALING is found.. not just in having prayer and reading the word every morning and evening but in actual communion... when you say ... Lord show me what I need to do to be whole to be healed to not hurt.  I'm amazed at how He always meets me wherever i am in this.  Ready to show that he is my protector my daddy.  That he will take care of the past things.. and he is readily taking care of me now.  Just a reminder that it's not just about going to church and saying you love Jesus or even knowing scripture or saying your prayers.. but it's within your communion that you will find the richness of life your soul longs for.  -khristen 

fancyyou

commonality is the theme

reacting and responding 

LIKE any OLE being

nothing new under the sun 

TOO many sensitivities 

in the scheme of things

blended words, tones, and rhymes

speaking, acting, and following the line

TELL them what they want to hear

fancy their ears

repeat back to her what she just said

feed him your heart right out your head

aroused the moment expectation is misplaced

ruffling opportunities for offense

SERIOUSLY!!!!

dare to stand alone. 

hold something precious

  feel responsibility 

 until it owns you

 consistency becomes you

creativity maneuvers you through 

disproving what everyone "thinks"

YOU NEED TO DO.

walk away or maybe sit down

scream or maybe shut your mouth

weep or laugh whichever fits...

always smile.. especially when you wanna quit.

CHOOSE to be different

and be OKAY with knowing it.

kindness leads us to repentance 

a gentle word

a smile

a light

choose 

to

 shine

khristen

unbetterme

awaken 

these perceptions of me

not the better me 

not the evil me

let me see the me

 with you

the me 

without you

rebirth these bones to life

enriching these limbs to sweetness

lengthening the reach of inspiration

clevering the way

purify reasonings

justify like noon day

show me your action

your deed

your integrity towards me

show me your activity

your vigor

you advancing forward

simple path

strait 

and 

fine

no 

tip 

toeing 

towards mine

show me your stride

your reach

your fight

purify my life

refine my sight

my perceptions

my mind

where you look is 

what you see

please be with me

completely

so that 

when they look 

they don't see me

khristen

unsleep

What is this thing that haunts me while i sleep..

It lingers too long and asks...

toomuchofme.....

My thoughts run over... 

eachother.......

The couch holds my security..

withinit’sbend.....

Wake me before morning...

isnotwhatidesire

Restless sundays....

alwaysthesame

Put your mind away...

Set your dreams for a different day...

Your worries for better way...

Quit thinking about what you’ll say...

It’s not time to play... (dumb cat)

Take a deep breath.. Everything is ok.

No mind

No will

No arms

No breath

Think on Him and flowers and Love.. the cross and rest...peace.. rest... His eyes.. His hands.. His word.. Oh not too much for your desires will wake you again... 

just sleep and rest.. sleep and rest ... sleep and rest... -khristen (Aug. 09)

yougotme

bounce off of me

reflecting both of what we see

unknowingly what it could bring

reaching for new heights

jumping to take flight

doubt heavies the feet

pressure clouds the way

trust throws me up

faith snatches me up... to the clouds

you carry me... for a moment

letting me breathe

carrying me on pressures that try to stop me

... the irony

right before my breath is caught

thrown again... way way up..

so far up my peace grows feet

dreaming of the ground they were meant to meet

you wrap me up to make me new

like a worm in a cocoon

wondering.... seriously?? am i gonna fly soon?!? 

your warm arms hold me tight as you chuckle inside

... i have no idea what's going on.. but i know you got me. 

-khristen

words.words.words.that's all i see

your word written is what i read

your spirit is near, LIKE water to by being

written words are the next best thing to hearing you speak

the written word that you love me will have to do

the written word... that's what is done

sometimes you send someone

randomly they respond and speak the kindness you wish to express

the love it seems so suppressed.

there are some things i wanna say

somethings i need to articulate

somethings that words can't help 

some hurts that need a friend

i'll crawl back into your word

hold it dear as i sleep

please sing your song and cover me

help me through this day

the end i can not face.. with out you.

i love you, Lord, i trust you. i depend on you.

-khristen

completely broken

namelesswave

_{NAMELESS _________ WAVE} 

_{RISES TO MY GAZE}

_{EMOTIONAL CURRENT} 

FEEDING THE SOURCE

_{DISMANTLING FEAR} 

_{LIKE A MAZE}

_{TWISTING and TURNING} 

_{USING FORCE}

_{SEARCHING EVERY CRACK AND CREASE}

CAN I JUST HIDE UNTIL ALL PASSES BY

_{I WANT TO TURN AND RUN}

_{I WANT TO CHASE MY COMFORT}

_{I WANT TO LAY IN THE SUN AND JUST BE}

_{I WANT YOU TO WRAP ME UP SO I CANT SEE}

THIS WAVE ________THAT IS BUILDING OVER ME

MY INSIDES START TO TREMBLE AS IT GROWS NEAR

_{DO I REALLY HAVE TO CONTINUE TO STAND HERE??}

STRENGTHEN ME

_{MAKE ME BRAVE}

_{LET ME NOT JUST STAND}

_{BUT LET ME JUMP IN}

_{WITH ALL THAT I HAVE}

_{THIS WAVE IS NOTHING}

_{COMPARED TO YOU} 

_{THIS WAVE}

_{CAN'T KEEP ME}

_CONFUSED

_{THIS WAVE.}

_{IS A WAVE.} 

-nothing new to you, God.  

-ugh, (sigh) khristen

most favorite

I learned both what is secret and what is manifest, for wisdom, the fashioner of all things, taught me.  There is in her a spirit that is intelligent, holy, unique, manifold, subtle, mobile, clear, unpolluted, distinct, invulnerable, loving the good, keen, irresistible, beneficent, humane, steadfast, sure, free from anxiety, all-powerful, overseeing all, and penetrating through all spirits that are intelligent, pure, and all together subtle.  For wisdom is more mobile than any motion; because of her pureness she pervades and penetrates all things.  For she is a breath of the power of God, and a pure emanation of the glory of the Almighty; therefore nothing defiled gains entrance into her.  For she is a reflection of eternal light, a spotless mirror of the working of God, and an image of his goodness.  Although she is but one, she can do all things; in every generation she passes into holy souls and makes them friends of God and prophets; for God loves nothing so much as the person who lives with wisdom.  She is more beautiful than the sun, and excels every constellation of the stars.  Compared with the light she is found to be superior, for it is succeeded by the night, but against wisdom evil does not prevail.

 

The Wisdom of Solomon 7: 21-30

letuspray

singing my song over you

hum until you hear

listen to my soft song

whispering in your ear

let your mind find rest here

seems comfort cannot sleep

surrender trying to find rest 

peace meets you oh so deep.. 

right where there's a need

Cover sweet song... her minds ear,

give her solace here

speak to her sweet spirit

let her body feel.. YOU with her...  around her.. holding her... surrounding her.  Her wounds i pray you heal.  Her hurt i pray YOU feel... for her.  take this from her.  Let her rest in You.  I pray not one day taken away that is not your will. You have her. You have us. Draw us to Your side. Take him and strengthen for the night.  Let us pray until we're through and all together again.  Please reside with her tonight and hold her so so tight.. in love.. in comfort, allowing not one fright. Let her feel like Your spirit is pillowing all around.  Comforting every inch of her as she listens to Your sound.. Your song.. sing sing sing over her... melody carry her away.. somewhere else for the day until she can stand to stay.. awake.  Strengthen her frame. 

 i love you-khristen

ramblings...

lord, i love that we can approach you with all things. thankyou for handling my stuff and being my daddy.thankyou for waking me up and hanging out with me. thanks for singing your songs

over me while i sleep. thanks for good friends and good plans.  you always know how to make me smile. always sending some random person to deliver your messages of love. lol

thank you for loving me.  thank you for the gifts you have given me this week.  they made my day.  thanks for giving me the desires of my heart this week and i didn't realize it til you clued me in early this morning.. lol.. we are so selfish, lord. Forgive me for being so self-centered and about my own way. so worried that things will never turn out as i hope. so afraid to be disappointed. wanting to control my life so that i can have what i think i deserve..?? lol.. that's hilarious. my disappointments come when my hope is set in anything but you.. when will this soul truly learn that you know me better than i know myself. that you ARE the author of my life, the creator of my desires, and the mender of my dreams... these are my rants and ramblings to you, daddy. hope you don't mind me sharing with my friends.  love-khristen